


Mr. Pilgrim

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Sad boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 06:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: “And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”― Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-FiveCoda for Supernatural 15x02





	Mr. Pilgrim

When you’re dizzy after a prolonged spin, they tell you to stay still and concentrate on keeping your eyes focused on one spot and your dizziness will fade faster. A girl Dean dated in high school who was a pretty bad figure skater once told him that. 

It was one of those stupid pieces of advice you never really plan on thinking about again, a small blip in your history that your brain throws out to make room for other things. 

But now, as Dean placed his hands against the wall in front of him, trying to steady himself, the skater’s sugary sweet voice echoed in his head: Don’t look down, focus on one spot, and the dizziness will stop! 

He didn’t look down at the floor, instead, at the wall in front of him, unblinking. His vision kept wandering as the dizziness tried its last stand, but Dean made an effort to keep bringing back to the pulldown map in front of him, focusing in on the name of the town they were in. A deep breath, a sharp exhale, and it started to fade. The victory would be short-lived, the spinning would come back soon enough. But he just had to keep focusing -- 

The problem wasn’t just physical disorientation, but a tornado blowing around in his head, tearing up everything he had laid down over the years. 

_Focus_ \-- focus on something. 

A memory -- something. Anything. Anything at all that may have been happenstance and not worked in by the hands of God. It was hard diving into those random memories, long forgotten, but just as the figure skating girl came back to him, small little memories did as well:

Dan in Columbus who was the motel owner who allowed Dean and Sam to stay an extra night for free waiting for their dad to get back. 

Rachel in Aurora who matched him ten-for-ten in Star Trek trivia on the first date. 

Alex and the Detention Incident. 

Leo, Kim, Rebecca, Luke, -- 

Random people. People of no consequence that Dean felt better thinking about -- they were passersby who now formed into anchors for Dean to grab onto. Inconsequential meetings of people God couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t care about -- Dan, Rachel, Alex, Leo, Kim, Rebecca, Luke --

Dean wanted to become unstuck in time. 

He wanted to go back to those other times, live with those people for longer than he did, relish in their relationships for just a little longer than he previously did. Hopping to and from those moments in his life he didn’t think God had a hand in, too small to care about -- Dean focused on that. 

There was always that knowledge that their life was toyed around with to some degree, at least for a specific purpose which, man, they were _so_ relieved that didn’t actually play out. 

And turns out it was never supposed to.

That false sense of security, of knowing that it was okay if something bad happened because they’ll always seem to find a way out. They were that good -- they’d always figure it out. No problem was insurmountable, and if the going got tough, then they got going. 

But everything was a lie. 

_Dan, Rachel, Alex, Leo, Kim, Rebecca, Luke --_

Dean didn’t know how long he could hold onto the bar anymore as the twister ripped through his mind, taking everything from him. Forty years on this planet and it was all a puppet show. Weren’t they just the damned fools always and forever. 

How far did it go? Their privacy had been invaded since day one. Did God influence their thoughts as well? Was everything he felt about each and every person in his life what God _wanted_ him to feel.

Was what Dean had been going through the past couple days also what God wanted him to think? How did he know his thoughts were his own now?

The steadiness Dean found just a few moments before started to fade alarmingly fast, replaced by the heavy rock of fear and guilt. 

And where was God now? Dean didn’t believe he fucked off to nowheresville -- he was very much still somewhere. 

Watching them. 

Dean felt himself slipping, and grabbed a marker instead, finishing the milewide circle he drew on the map in front of him. A mindless task. A deep breath in and a sharp exhale out. 

_Don’t get lost in it_

Easier said than done. 

He finished and put the marker down, allowing his eyes to glaze over while staring at the map. They were all very tired, and Dean just wanted --

“Dean?” his name rode on a soft voice from behind him in the doorway, and Dean once again felt another boulder of panic fall down the pit of his stomach, crashing down alongside the other ones. 

And so it goes… 

**Author's Note:**

> Who doesn't love a fun Kurt Vonnegut existential crisis?   
Anyway -- that scene in the office in 15x02 damn near killed me. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd so please let me know if any mistake if there are any! Thank you, and thank you for reading! <3  
-Jen
> 
> Tumblr - Wigglebox


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